Jake came by at 1, I let him in and we talked. He was sober for once. He pisses me off so much... damn him for being right. He told me... I was a silly little girl... and I am.
This adorible, sexy, sweet, man, a real life man, kissed me last night, and I felt nothing. It was nice as kisses go... but there was no.. want, no desire or need to have him do it again, then he looked at me and shook his head. All he would say was I was a very silly little girl... waiting for love from someone who wont ever. Who denys herself because she believes she needs to be redeamed to a faceless phantom.
A silly little girl who cries herself to sleep and punishes herself daily for a crime she can't quite remember.
He would have done anything for me last night. He wanted me... and all I could think was... what I thought wasnt important.
Kath is worried about me. I keep telling myself its that time of the month, that its making the pain worse... and yet I wonder.... I've loved her so... and she didn't even miss me. The whole time I was away I couldnt bear it, I couldn't wait to get back to her, to be able to talk to her, laugh with her... but that is my pain, she didn't want to come back.. shed rather be tucked away in teh cabin with Tim...
The days I spent on the river bank, dreaming, wishing she could be there to share it... what did I expect? That pretty words and living as a nun would change her mind? THat somehow she'd find she couldnt bear to be without me either?
Silly.. silly little girl.